my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
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If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
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You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
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