Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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