Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
