Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
