...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
