Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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