we're chasing vodka with high fives
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
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Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
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It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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