I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
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