Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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