Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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