Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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