I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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