He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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