I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Randomize
