im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
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