Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
