I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
