It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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