just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
