if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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