your parents love me but you hate me
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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