I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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