Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
