Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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