We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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