Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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