i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
