My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
