my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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