she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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