I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
