My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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