So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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