Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
