i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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