Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
