I'm gonna have a badass scar
Michael Bay diarrhea
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
