The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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