i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
