My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
this just has baby written all over it
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
