Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
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Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
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At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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