I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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