my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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