just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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