just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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