I'll bet she douches with gravy.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
