I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
