I faked an abortion last night.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
