The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
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he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
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He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.