Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
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At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
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How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.