At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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