I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
