Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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