I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
