I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
