You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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