babies were throwing up all over the place
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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