The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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