dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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