She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
