yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
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