Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
