I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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