There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
