btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
